Pickup Tips

I've found a great way to pick up chicks and dudes at Kroger. First get at least two 12 packs of beer and then head to the meat counter. Ask for four packages of spare ribs. As he handed over the ribs the meat guy was mouthing silently "Take me with you". I pretended to not be able to read lips and mouthed back in Japanese "NOCANDO". The 50ish lady that runs the seafood department was batting her eyes double time at me as I eased away and fled down one of the aisles. I was only about 1/2 down the lane when a 30 something guy did a 180 with his grocery cart...."Dude...I'm totally following you to your house!!!". I lost him as I spun down the next aisle. At the check out counter, the middle aged black lady ringing me up said "Honey, I'm off duty here in about an hour". Again I broke out my Japanese and said as I grabbed up my bags "No comprende..Gracis and adios".

I Knew Something Didn't Look Right?

We had a new driver start not too long ago. A lot of the new drivers navigate with one of the new technical devices available. Garman, Tom-Tom, and the other new gadgets that tell you turn by turn how to get to your destination. Some drivers have their lap top riding shot gun and can look up the directions on Rand McNalley or Yahoo Yellow Pages (my favorite). Some drivers go old school. The handy dandy Atlas. Of course when you hire a driver out of West Tennessee, you would expect he would have a working knowledge of the locations of some cities...say Memphis..and let's throw in Dyersburg, as this is where this story is heading...also, hiring a driver that lives in West Tennessee, you might expect him to know pretty much the States that adjoin Tennessee...Mississippi, Alabama, Arkansas...you get the drift...Well this new driver we hired was in Memphis delivering a load. I told him to take his empty and head to Dyersburg. I checked on him a bit later and the Satellite in his truck showed him to be around Stateline road. Stateline road as the name infers run along the bottom part of Tennessee and the top part of Mississippi (in the southern part of Memphis). As luck would have it, he called and was having trailer problems. Our terminal is near Stateline road so I didn't give it much thought. I told him to go back to the yard, get another trailer and head to Dyersburg, Tennessee. About one and half hours later, the new driver called and asked "I just passed a sign that said Batesville Mississippi. That's not on the way to Dyersburg is it?" My reply was, "No. Not really". I told him he might want to turn around and head back due north. "Yup, I knew something didn't look right". Luckily we in the trucking business have safe guards that protect us from drivers going in the wrong direction. In this case, our fail safe was the Gulf of Mexico. In most cases, once they run out of Terra Firma and are looking to have to book passage on a freighter, they will call into dispatch. I asked the new driver if he had an atlas with him....He told me that when he got ready to leave out that morning he didn't know where he would be going, so he just left his atlas in his car.....I'm glad to say after a heart to heart about never leaving home without his atlas, he has turned into a very fine driver....

Men are from Mars...Women are from...who knows?

Is there any doubt that women are from a whole different planet? I’m at Kroger the other day and I observe a young couple shopping…..A big goofy guy and a big goofy girl with three goofy kids circling the couple like so many hovercraft and making the rotation around the parents about every 5 seconds. It's Saturday afternoon and this poor fellow is having to go shopping with his wife and his offsprings. Okay, okay. I’m shopping at Kroger but I’m flying solo after volunteering to run out and pick up a few essentials and a couple of subway sandwiches. It’s too cold to be fishing. To cold and wet to go shoot something. You got basketball 24/7 all over the television airways and this girl turns to the guy and says in the sweetest, most innocent voice “Do want to pick up some beer?” Woman have to be from another planet, but I think Venus is way too close to what really goes on here on terra firma for the alien life form known as women to have any inkling or clue how things operate here in the real world.

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Beale Street White Boy Blues

When I opened the Heartland Express terminal in Olive Branch, I was able to secure the services of one Jason Dart. Jason was a dispatcher in Iowa City and was ready for change. Other than being an excellent dispatcher, Jason was also almost (or may have been) a professional water skier. This is not small feat for someone from Iowa....A state that I consider to be part of the Artic region....how some one can learn to ski....much less get very good at it in a place that only has one warm month out of the year...of course this is from the perspective of someone that has wintered every year in either Mississippi or Tennessee (save for my one winter in Iowa)..down here we might have one, maybe 2 months of cold weather....My last account had Jason working out of a Heartland terminal in Jacksonville, Florida...a much more sensible locale if you are a water skiing enthusiast...If you were looking for a poster boy for your typical corn fed Midwestern boy...Jason is it...Slender...pale...crew cut blond headed white boy. Jason jumped in and helped me get the Olive Branch terminal off to a roaring start. Paul Albers soon followed us from Iowa to round out our staff. We had a big boat of car shipped to us from Iowa City....A Chevy that was at least 15 years past it prime....on weekends I was running back home to Jackson TN...this weekend Paul was rotating back up to Iowa City, so Jason was on his on and hopped into the big Chevy and decided to check out Beale Street in Memphis.....He had no problem in locating Beale street, but cruising down Beale, someone cut him off and he took a side street. A couple of more bad turns and he was suddenly in a less desirably suburb of greater Memphis. Looking up in his rear view mirror, Jason saw the flashing blue lights of one of Memphis' finest. Jason pulled to the curb and big, very large black Memphis cop separated himself from his police cruiser and ambled up to Jason....."Officer, what have I done wrong?" Jason asked. The big black cop said "Well, well, well. Where shall I begin? Out of state plates. White boy behind the wheel. Bad part of town.....White boy...why don't you just follow me outta here?" As CSNY said, "If you want to sing the blues, you got to pay your dues".....but best not to do so on a side street off Beale Street.

Truck Drivers Say the Darndest Things

When we asked a driver why he drove 122 miles out of route after being told the shortest route to his destination, he said he called his wife after hanging up the phone with dispatch and she checked the WeatherChannel and told our driver there "might" be some black ice if he went that way.

"He seemed so interested in how I had been running for the last couple of weeks....I didn't have no idea he was a safety man. My wife has always told me I ought to have my mouth sewed up...and you have a nice day."

You know you might have a problem with a new driver when he keeps sending over messages on the Qualcom that he needs better directions to the nearest Greyhound Bus station.

You know you might have a problem with a driver when he says he "bumped" something. He "might" have "scrubbed" up against something. He had a "ding", "scrape", "dent", "bang", or "bump". If you break out our "Driver Talk to Dispatcher Talk" dictionary..."Ding" means he knocked the fender off. "Dent" means he backed all over 3 parked cars. "Scrape " means he pretty much ripped the whole side out of a new 53 foot trailer. "Bang" means he knocked down the awning of the dock of your best shipper. "Bump" means you need to order a new bumper and hood for his truck.

I can't come into work today. "Some fool has climbed up in a tree in my front yard and hung hisself with a ski rope". Supposedly this fool had been stalking my driver's wife and coming to the realization that his hopes and dreams were not going to work out, he stung hisself up. I told my driver that Halloween was last week...cut him down and come on into work....This excuse served us well in dispatch for 3 months...anytime we had a late delivery, we used the "dead man hanging in my driver's front yard" excuse...worked like a charm.

"It's funny you called just now.....I was just asking my girlfriend as we was drinking coffee...I was wondering what I'm suppose to be doing this Monday morning"....I asked him if it might be the load we talked about Friday that delivers in Birmingham Monday morning...now 2 hours late..
"Yep. Yep...it's all coming back to me now...Thanks Boss".

"Sorry...I can't take this load to Corinth MS. and drop...you've already told me to drop it on the Jackson yard". My bad...I overlooked the tenant that once a dispatch has been given to a driver, it can not be changed...something like you can never un-ring a bell once it has been struck..

"My son can not come into work today....he's not feeling well"....I never have a problem when my drivers that are 12 and 13 years old have their Mom call in and tell me Junior is under the weather and she is not going to let him come out and play....but the day that my 62 years old driver had is 88 year old mother call in and tell me her pup can't answer the bell...oh well..another horizon breached

"You are so wrong!! it more like 65%....!!!!!" I wish I could remember this bum's name...Probably the hardest driver to run off I've ever had. He ran out of our Birmingham terminal and I really tried hard for 2 months to convince this hand he needed to move on. After several service failures in a row I told him he was probably the worst driver I had working for me...I pointed out to him he probably only delivered on time 50% of the time...

"About 30 years". I had a driver pick up a load in McDonough Georgia going to Lawrenceburg TN. He called the next morning and said "they don't want this freight". Curious I inquired why they were refusing the freight. "They say it goes to Wisconsin". I think that's odd and ask what does the paperwork on the load say where the freight is going. "The bills say the freight is going to Wisconsin". My curiosity again aroused I asked him where did the bills say the freight was going yesterday when he signed them.....dead silence...How long have you been driving a truck I asked.
Again, a long silence...."About 30 years"...I asked him in 30 years had he ever looked at the destination city on his paperwork...after another long silence he said "How about I bring the truck back to the Chattanooga terminal and clean it it out?" At least at this point he was able to "read" my mind.

The Kiss of Death....there are several catch phrases recruiters can pick up on to know immedialtely to kick a prospect to the curb. "I'm a runner. I can get er done! I can stay out overnight, but...I can run 24/7 for you...least until the sun goes down. Once I get hired in, when does my advance go on my card.

Favorite CB Handles over the years...my all time favorite belonged to Pete Wall...Feather Merchant. Others are Gearjammer (Harry Azbell). Hawkeye (Buck Mast). Zero (Roger Terry). Redneck (Gary Allen). Scattergun (Jimmy Buckelew). Smokehouse. Big O (O. D. Smith). Amos (Thomas Diffee)

Good questions to as a driver before you put him or her in a truck

How many times have you called in and told your dispatcher your were sick because you had food poisoning from a truck stop you ate at?
1. Once
2. Once in a blue moon.
3. Once in a raccoon’s age
4. Once a week

How many times have you tried to sue a truck stop because of food poisoning?
1. Once
2. Once in a blue moon.
3. Once in a raccoon’s age
4. Next time you stop and eat at a truck stop

How many times have you called your dispatcher and said you were sick because you had a tuna fish sandwich and it tasted funny? (also..if you ordered a tuna fish sandwich and it smells funny, will you eat it anyway?)

1. Once
2. Once a month
3. Once in a raccon’s age
4. Once because the hamburger you ordered looked like a tuna fish sandwich

How many times have you tried to sue a truck stop for serving tuna fish sandwiches that smelled funny?
1. Once
2. Once a month
3. Once in a month of Sundays
4. Never. Because you’ve sued them so many times for food poisoning they won’t serve you fish sandwiches anymore.

How many times have you called in late and said, “Nobody told me it was suppose to be there “first thing?”
1. Once
2. Once a week
3. Once. The day after your dispatcher told you everything needs to deliver “first thing”.


What kind of alarm clock would you buy based on the following advertisment?
1. “Wakes you up everytime!”
2. “Wakes you up once in a blue moon!”
3. “Wakes you up and doubles as a food taster. Never get food poisoning again!”

How many times have you called in to tell dispatch you would be late because a tanker had turned over in front of you?
1. Once
2. Only when you are running late on hot loads
3. If you have ever called dispatch and reported a flipped tanker, do you have a problem with carrying a camera to record the next tanker incident?

Have you ever been late because:
1. you locked your keys up in the truck
2. you locked your keys up in the truck (and your spare key was in the cupholder)
3. you locked your keys up in the truck but you have a spare key in your wallet..but you left your wallet in the truck

How To Tell If The Universe Is Out To Get You

A dispatcher friend of mine during my days with Heartland sent flowers to his girlfriend. It was not a special occasion....it was not nearing Valentine's Day...it was not to celebrate the first time they met or her birthday. He sent flowers for no other reason than to show he loved her and was thinking about her. Now here is where the universe steps in. I don't know if it was the delivery guy or the delivery guy's boss, but the delivery guy takes off to my dispatcher friend's home address, when he can't find the girlfriend at her home. The delivery guy rings the doorbell at my dispatcher friend's house and is soon greeted by my dispatcher friend's wife and hands her the girlfriend's flowers. Now my dispatcher friend earns a meager dispatcher's salary. His wife on the other hand (the lady with the new bouquet of flowers and a curious look on her face as she reads the attached card) is a full fledged doctor lady making big doctor lady money. From all accounts she provides (or provided as the case may be) a handsome income stream to go with his paltry dispatcher pay. I'm not sure if my dispatcher friend was able to explain his way out of this one. Remember, the Universe is always out there and it's always gunning for you....but in the defense of the Universe, this was way to easy and no one can blame the Universe for stepping in on this one.