HOOK

HOOK: A RECRUITING STORY


Recruiting, how may I help you? You betcha. We are always looking for good drivers. How did you hear about us? Okay. Yep. Yep. Look fella..I might have come to town on a turnip truck, but I was driving the sucker. There ain’t no parole officer in the country that is going to recommend a known felon to a trucking company. Okay. Yep. Yep. Okay, that’s better. You saw our ad in a magazine in the prison library. Close call, there fella; you gotta be up front with me if we are gonna do business. Let me get my check list and see where we are. Okay. Yep. Yep. Got it. Now I’m gonna ask you some questions. First and foremost, do you have a class A CDL. You do? Boy howdy! You can’t imagine how big a conversation stopper that one little question is when I ask it. Now, how long have you been driving a truck? Yep. Yep. Yep, counting today, how long have you been behind the wheel. Got it. Okay. Yep. Yep. We run a tight ship here. We have a pet policy. No pets. Is that a problem? You gotta a what? A parrot? Hang on, and let me check the regs; dogs, cats, ferrets, pythons, potbellied pigs…nope..nothing in here about parrots…wait, hang on; here’s parrots. What color parrot you got? Green? Great! Houston, we are good to go. Nothing in here about green parrots. Now we also enforce a grooming policy. How long is your hair? Dang! That long? That’s gonna be a problem. Can’t be below the collar. What’s that? Poneytail? Good deal. Can you stuff it up under your hat? Great. What’s that? If you don’t it falls down and covers up your eye? Excuse me; sounded like you said eye. It gets down in your face and you can’t see; right? You cant see out of your eye? Dang. You must have it cut funny. What eye does it cover up? Left eye? Yep. Yep. Hang on. I need to flip over to my disability section. Yep. Yep. Here we go; hair falls down and blocks vision in your eye. Says here, I have to ask you about blocking the vision in your other eye. What’s that? Doesn’t block the vision in your other eye because you have a patch over it? Gotcha. Hang on. Okay. Can you wear the patch over one eye or the other. You can? Great. What’s that? If you wear it over the left eye you can see pretty good; wear it over the right eye, you can’t see a damn thing? Ten four good buddy. What eye do you wear it over, mostly? Left eye unless you have been drinking like a fish? Good choice. And when do you wear it over the right eye, mostly? Weekends and ladies nights at the pub on the second Thursday each month? Hey? Not a problem. Be sure and mention ladies’ night to your fleet manager. He will probably go with you. Okie dokie. Now, we run automatics. Any problem there that you know off? Nope, don’t have to clutch much; just starting off? What’s that? The clutch? Yep. You use your left foot on it and the brake. What’s that? Yeah, if you have a peg leg on your left leg it would make it hard to clutch and brake . Good buddy, I’m hoping that was a hypothical question there about the peg leg. Hypothical? That’s like pretend; you ask a question, but you are pretending that you have a peg leg and you want to drive a truck. Gotcha. Now, while we on this section, any other physical problems I need to know about? A hook? Look fella…no jewelry…no hook nose rings…no hook ear rings…no hook eyebrow rings…the only hook we allow here are a fish hook that you have on your company cap. Hang on….here it is; here it is. Number 12 fish hook; gold; must be on the right side of cap, no more than ½ inch to the right of company logo. What’s that? Big hook? It’s gold, right? But it’s too big to hang on your hat? Where do you hang it? Where your hand used to be? Shark bite? Hang on. I’m going back to the disability section. Okay, here’s the section governing extremity accoruments. Deal breaker here buddy. Which extremity do you hang this hook on? Pretend you are a clock and it’s 3:00 in the afternoon. The little hand is on 3 where is the hook? Straight up and down? Hot damn! That means you won’t have any problem reaching for your CB mike with your meat hand. What's that? You got a buddy that wants to hire on? Great. Hey Hook,this guy works out, you got a sign on bonus coming.

What's his name? Dahmer..put him on.

Hey buddy. Jeff? Yep, yep. got it... Jeff Dahmer. Oh man. Yeah, always looking for new blood. Hello? Hello? Okay. Thought I lost you there. What’s that? Okay, you dropped the phone. What can I tell you about our pay package? Rider policy? Dang! Always a surprise here in the recruiting department. Most drivers want to know about pay and home time. Your not worried about home time? Dang, you gotta love that. People looking for you in the neighborhood. Recuriters or bill collectors? Looked like they just stepped out of CSI episode? Hey, I don’t blame you. Blowing that big smoke up and down the highways and byways makes more sense to me. Rider policy? Let me look. Oh yeah. Get your time in with us and you can take a rider with you for two weeks at a time. What’s that? Three, four days will be pleanty? Up to you, buddy. Nope. No strangers. No vagrants. Look, it says right here, it’s gotta be a family member. What’s that? Come back driver. Sounded like you said less presents to buy at Christmas? Okay, now let’s talk about mileage pay? What’s that? You’d drive for nothing. Hot dang. I’ve hit the lottery. Refrigerator? Yep, we got top of the line. Little handy, dandy unit that comes built in. Freezer. Heck no. You won’t need a freezer. You’ll be home every weekend. Dang. That’s right. You don’t want to go home. How bigger a freezer you looking for? That big? Dang, that will about fill up the bunk. You’ll pay for it? Hey, works for me. What's that? You can a friend named Ben that wants to drive for us?

Ben? Last name? Ladenski? What’s that? It’s Ben but with a “I”. Not a problem Ben with a “I”. Hey, funny thing; I was at my mother in laws last week and she has a 2nd cousin that is married to a gentlemen of Polish descent. What’s that? You’re not of Polish descent? Heck, I knew that. I mean, you sound just like that fella out Lawrence of Arabia…card playing fella…what was his name? That’s it! Omar Shariff! What’s that? You get that a lot? Okay, what can I help you with? Yep, we require a Haz Mat endorsement. Funny, that’s a sticking point with some drivers. I understand, you only want to work for a company that requires a Haz Mat endorsement. Hey, works for me. We don’t have a lot of drivers that wan to haul Haz Mat. Explosives? We don’t get much of that. Poision gas? Some, not a whole lot. Corrosives? Yeah sometimes. Corrosives and flammable gas? I’ll check. I don’t think we have dedicated runs, but hey, you never know. Now where do you like to run? Really? Most drivers don’t won’t to run in to them big cities. Yep, we run all the big cities; Charleston, Peoria, Montgomery, Savannah. Naw. Not too many tall buildings in those places. Okay, Ben with a “I”, now why are you looking to change jobs? Yep. Yep. They don’t think you have enough big city driving experience and they are keeping you out in sticks running amongst the infiedels and non believers? Ben with “I”, you can’t believe how many times a day I hear that. It’s outrageous. Now let’s talk about your mileage pay? What’s that? You’d be willing to run for free? No, no. We’re not going to let you to pay us to drive our truck. But hey, let me run that my boss. You never now. What’s that? You’ve got friends that would lay down their life to drive our trucks? Dang! I see a recruiting bonus rising on my horizon. And what driving school did they come out of? True Belivers Driving Acamdey? Never heard of it. Must be kinda new, huh? Well look, we start class every Monday.....you guys can make it? Super...this is going to be my best class ever...